The Life and Times of an OCD Broadway addict

Every two to three months I have the incredible luck of being able to immerse myself in a new production.  While I have absolutely nothing to do with how the show plays out, I love being there simply because it’s an escape from life and everything that I deal with at home and school.  While life is nowhere close to being horrifically bad there are many times when I have found myself wondering what to do next because I’ve come to yet another fork in the road and both seem to lead to questionable circumstances.  About six months ago I went on a journey through the movies of Quentin Tarantino.  I have never actually seen a Tarantino movie in its entirety so I was completely blown away by the show.  There is a dark wit that keeps the show together and I quite enjoy trying to keep track of the number of curse words that are said.  During the final show three weeks ago I found myself, as I so often do, getting lost in the Tarantinian world around me. 

While I love every song in the show, two songs always seem to get to me: Satisfied Mind and Harvest Moon.  Satisfied Mind is by far the easier song to pick apart.  All you need to hear is “And one thing’s for certain, when it comes my time I’ll leave this old world with a satisfied mind.”  All worldly possessions mean nothing because they can’t bring you happiness or, to let the song explain it, “the wealthiest person is a pauper at times.”  It is the showstopper and anyone who ever got to experience Von Smith perform it live would heartily agree that the price of a ticket and dinner was well worth it just to hear that song. 

Harvest Moon, on the other hand, is not so easy to pick apart. But it’s such a beautiful song and once you listen to it a couple of times you start to realize that there is much more to the song than when you first hear it.  The last time I heard Harvest Moon was the first time that I felt like I understood it, or at least thought that I understood it.  Let’s be clear that my interpretation is not necessarily the correct one and more than likely the wrong one but I like to think that I’m right.  I have watched and re-watched the video of that performance and my favorite thing about it is not even how good the song is, but the reaction of the performers singing the background vocals.  While many of the actors break character after Satisfied Mind because their reactions smoothly play into the next scene, very rarely do you see actors get so emotionally wrapped up in a song from Reservoir Dogs that they break the Tarantino seriousness of their role.  But as the incredible Dionne Gipson gets to the heart of the song you see every actor in the video frame break into a smile and their body language instantly tells you how much the song and the show really mean to them.

And then you get to the lyrics which, broken apart, tell a story of hope.  Again, my interpretation.  For sixteen long weeks I have struggled to find true happiness and a return to the way that my life was before; three weeks ago on a Thursday night I found my answer.  “How long can we live this way? How long ‘til the rain starts coming down?”  How long could I put myself through all that I was going through?  How long was I going to be able to hold on until the floodgates broke and I lost all that remained of my sanity?  How long until the drizzle just became a steady rain that would either wash away all that was left or would wash away the darkness and bring back the sun? 

“Everyone’s been wondering when will it be over?  I hear the night train every evening.  Maybe a change is coming soon, with the harvest moon.”  Everything was the same day in and day out.  Nothing was getting better and only seemed to be getting worse.  I had no hope and no happiness left in me.  I didn’t know if I had the patience to wait.  Life was passing me by just like that train and all I could do was hope and wish and pray that a change was coming.  And after two months I felt like it was never going to get here.  I worried that when it finally did it might be too late or that it would take forever. Just like the harvest moon that only comes once a year near the autumnal equinox.  It’s one of the most beautiful sights you could ever see but you have to wait a whole year to see it again.  And I felt like I was going to be waiting a whole year just to find that change.

“Take me down to the river, take me to the preacher man.  I can’t wait any longer.  I messed up all I can.”  No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, something always went wrong.  There was only one place in the entire world where I felt like time would stop.  At Show at Barre I could walk in and leave all of my problems behind me.  Barre was my preacher man; it was the one place where I could find solace and be at peace with myself.  But with no car I was reliant on others for rides, leaving me, more often than not, at home miserable and wishing I was in Los Feliz.  When I’m there it’s something else because I can be there and leave knowing that I can step back into the world and face whatever is coming next. 

“I hear the night train singing in the distance.  Maybe the angels are coming soon with the harvest moon.”  There were a lot of nights when I fell back into my pit of despair and thought about just ending it.  A lot of dark, dark nights when I wanted to let the downward spiral and the darkness take me away.  But then I found that I was able to pull myself out of it because I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  And because I had people.  Not many.  I’ve never had many people who understand me and accept me.  But I had some and that was enough.  And my Barre family helped me to see that.  There are so few people who take me as I am and don’t ask questions.  But I have them.  And that’s all that I need.

“If the river’s rising, look to the dark horizon for the harvest moon.”  Because no matter how bad things are at the moment it has to get darker before you can see the sun again.  And the only time that you can clearly see both the sun and the moon is when they are both on the horizon as the day transitions into night.  The river of troubles can only rise and overflow so much until it is soaked up by the riverbed and the worries are buried.

“Wait a minute, just a little bit longer.  It’s all up to me and you.”  That’s that little voice in the back of my mind.  The hope that is whispering, “you can do it.  Just hold on because the time will come when you finally understand why everything has to go wrong so that everything else can go right.”  It’s that light at the end of the tunnel that is finally coming into view because the huge semi that was driving in front of you has finally changed lanes.  It’s the train tracks that had you heading for the edge of the cliff and then suddenly turned back toward the heart of the mountain but you couldn’t see it because they were hidden beneath the snow.  The little moments like hanging out at Barre until three in the morning just talking and dancing and being in the company of the people you love; literally sitting in a palm tree smashed against the car door riding from the Los Feliz library to Barre after the tree lightning ceremony; sitting in a recording studio for the first time and watching as they take the show to a whole new level; stepping out onto the dirt for the first time in sixteen weeks and being able to feel the rocks separate as you get your cleats dirty; being in the presence of people you love, just because.  It’s the little moments that keep me going because I know that no matter how bad my week has been I can escape to a tiny little place on the corner of Hollywood and Vermont and be with the people who I love most because I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.  I can be myself and not care and that’s all that I want.  I don’t have to explain myself because they never question. 

And knowing that I get to be in the same room as some of the biggest talents in LA is really something else.  Because I have no right at all to be hanging out with these people and in all actuality, I should not even be on a first name basis with them.  Because what do I do?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  But it’s so much more than just a first name basis; it’s actual friendships and I am finally realizing how important these friendships mean to me.  When I am with them at Barre I am truly, genuinely happy.  Barre is where the majority of my friends are and for someone like me who is constantly hiding behind the worn out mask of happiness, to be able to shed it and be free and happy means the world.  To be surrounded by people who make me truly happy is one of the most important things to me.  So for anyone who really wants to know, Barre is my home because I don’t really think that home is where you live; it’s where people understand you.  And I think that the harvest moon is a finish line that I don’t just have to run to; I have to run past it to get back on track.

A random post about nothing at all so that it doesn’t look like I’m slacking on my Tumblr blogging :P

To my Show at Barre family,

Words cannot express how grateful I am for you.  For each and every one of you.  Being welcomed into the Show at Barre family with open arms is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  There have been very few times in my life when I have truly felt that I am accepted for who I am.  Being at Barre is almost like an escape from everything that holds me back in life.  At Barre I have freedoms and I’m surrounded by people who I love and who actually care about me. I can be myself and not worry what people think of me.

This past year has been so incredible.  It was never supposed to be like this; the first time I showed up at Barre I thought it would be a one-time thing.  Little did I know that I would spend more time at Barre than I would spend almost anywhere else this year. I am living a dream and spending time with people who I really have no business hanging out with.  Somehow I did something right during my life; I don’t know what it was and I won’t question it.  All I know is that I don’t deserve to have what I have been given. 

I never thought I would fall in love with a tiny little place on the corner of Hollywood and Vermont and I never thought that I would be so lucky as to be friends with incredible people like you.  I count my blessing every night and you are always among them.  Thank you for the laughs, the love, and the memories.  I look forward to many more in the coming years.  I have been truly blessed.

Peace and Love, always,

Jordann

12/24/11

That weekend when life sucks but then four Journey songs come on in row on the radio on different stations and then you get to sit and talk with Jake Simpson all night…that’s something to be grateful for.

I have no words for tonight.  Absolutely no words.  The most incredible people made my life complete.  I met Scott Alan, who wrote one of my favorite songs, “The Distance You Have Come,” tonight.  Not only is he fantastically funny but his music is just unbelievable.  Quite honestly, this guy is someone who I’ve been wanting to meet for some time.  His music has changed my life and hearing him sing his own songs live was unbelievable.  And Jessica Keenan Wynn singing Never Neverland?!? Oh. My. God.  So beautiful.  Such an amazing voice and such an amazing person.  I got to experience one of the most unspeakably fantastic performances ever.  Every time she sings I am blown away.  But Jessica Keenan Wynn singing Scott Alan’s song with Scott Alan on the piano?!?  Holy crap, somebody pinch me because that is seriously me dying and going to heaven.  But the best part of the night was that I got to share with Scott how much his music means to me and how big of a role it’s played in my life.  And I even got a special song after the show :)  Quite incredible.  It is a moment that I will never forget because it really meant so much.  Yeah, sure, I got to meet Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo and Chris Evans aka Captain America showed up and it was amazing but Scott’s song…it’s the moment that will stay with me and I will cherish forever.  Such an incredible night and such an incredible gift from someone who will never truly know how much his music has touched me.